“How long oh Lord?
Will You forget me forever?
How long will you hide Your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
Every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, God.”
Psalm 13: 1-3.
This has been my cry for too long now. Do you ever just get stuck in a pit and have no energy, motivation, or urgency to jump out of it? You just keep digging and digging. One negative thought after another adding another foot of darkness around yourself. One lie after the other (from the enemy) adding another foot of darkness at the same time.
Sometimes before you realize it, you’ve gone so deep that you cannot even see the surface any longer. It’s all black; no hint of light for miles. You wonder how you could possibly get out of it. You begin to doubt it, you say it’s impossible, you believe it’s too difficult and there’s no way to solve the problem. If you just sit there for a while, things will start to change on their own. The hole will get smaller each day you wait.
Except it doesn’t. You just keep digging and digging without even realizing. Sometimes I honestly question if getting out of the hole is worth it. All the energy and work that it requires and what if nothing changes once you get out? Isn’t it just easier to stay put and do nothing, wishing and hoping for something to happen?
I think it is the easy way out; at first glance, it seems it’s the best option. But, down the road, it only causes trouble. If we stay inside our hole of self-pity, regret, doubt, laziness, sin, unhappiness etc. it only hinders us, our relationship with God and others.
I know that, and yet something inside me says trying to climb out is a bad idea. It’s not going to get me anywhere. It only leaves room for more pain once I reach the top.
This, while I didn’t see it at first, was straight from the enemy.
However, I am still lost when it comes to figuring out how to get out. Where do I even begin? I can’t see enough to know where I’m going, how am I supposed to go anywhere but down?
I guess it means leaving it all up to God. Surrendering myself, admit that I can’t do this alone and that I need His help. For some reason, this is very difficult for me, but I know it’s something I need to do. Surrender. What an intimidating word. It gives me the chills. It terrifies me and ignites me all at once. But, I am willing to try.
When I found the verse above, I was wide awake at 2 a.m. my mind buzzing and my body was full of anxiety, confusion, and anger. I opened my Bible- Which went against everything I wanted to do- and that verse was the first thing I saw. It was comforting to know that someone else, even thousands of years ago felt like this too.
Then I continued to read, which is where my hope and strength came from to get through the night and the days until now.
“Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death.
My enemy will say ‘I have overcome him/her’
And my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But, I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me,”
Psalm 13: 3-6
I hope if you ever feel this way that you tell yourself that there is no such thing as a lost cause and that you can climb out of even the darkest, deepest, dirtiest of holes and crawl right into the arms of the Father.
Until next time,
(God, I pray for whoever reads this that You use these words for their good and for their needs specifically. And that anything I might have said that does not align with Your Word and beliefs that You change it so that it does.)