Sometimes things fall apart. Sometimes you wake up and you realize you’re not the only person in this world going through stuff. Sometimes, crap just happens. Almost all of the time, I don’t know what to do about it.
Things have come to my attention, situations that I had no idea existed, or at least to the extent that they do. I realized the perfect little world I have tried so hard to create isn’t so perfect after all. It has many defects, many issues, and a lot of errors. I’m not a perfect person so where did I ever get the idea that I could create something perfect.
I’m pretty sure that can only be left to The Man Upstairs… actually, I’m positive. So, why have I tried so hard to build something that I simply do not have the blueprints to even begin building with? I’m not sure.
It probably has to do with control. Desiring to manipulate and guide things to where I want them to be, not where He wants them to be. And I wonder why I am always disappointed or let down…
To be honest, I get to the middle of some of my posts and wonder where I am going at all. How is this relevant? What do these words on this page even mean? Once again, no answer. I just know that the only way I can process what I’m thinking about and how I feel about it is by typing it up or writing it down. ( See what I did there?)
I think my feelings and yours are important and relevant enough that we don’t have to tell ourselves to stop feeling just because we aren’t sure of them. We don’t have to completely understand them or make sense of them right away. We should be able to focus on just feeling them. Following them to where they began, what triggered them, and asking ourselves not if they are important, but how or why they are important.
We all feel stuff; anger, bitterness, sadness, joy, happiness, love, strength, weakness, insecurity, doubt, jealousy, hatred, uncertainty… on and on. Right now, I’m sure you are feeling some kind of way about one thing or another, or even 12 things. Ask yourself “Why am I feeling this way?” It sounds dumb but it actually works.
What is your answer? Can you find one? I think it takes a couple steps. I’m bitter because my best friend dumped me for a boy or for another group of friends. Or, I’m joyful because the flowers have bloomed and it’s not 16 degrees out anymore. Then, what if we picked those feelings apart a little bit and asked, “Why is this important?”
Which can go a number of different ways; my bitterness is causing resentment and the desire for revenge. Or, My joy is causing peace to overcome my body and influence other’s joyfulness or lack thereof.
Then, go on to ask “Is this specific feeling (especially if it’s negative, which is where I think mine are 99% of the time) worth the time and energy that I will put into it?” This is where I alway have trouble, and maybe you do too. I tell myself that every feeling is worth all the time it needs.
However, I have learned, especially from God, also from him through Joyce Meyer (Worth a google search if you have never heard of her) that not all of them are worth all the time I or you might be giving them.
For example, that whole friend scenario is related to one that I experienced years ago and today, I still allow myself to be angry and bitter about it. I used to waste hours, even days being upset and obsessed over this one feeling. And let me let you in on a little secret; it doesn’t actually make you happier, or more content with life. Sure, it feels great and reasonable at the time, but it never is truly satisfying, and if it is, notice it only last a short amount of time until it returns again.
I just know it’s not healthy, that it doesn’t actually make me a better person, or a more joyful or loving person. I’m not quite sure how to fix it yet. But, I can guess it has to do with forgiveness and love of both others and myself.
When I understand more, or God lets me in on something else I’ll be sure to update you. Or if you have heard God speak to you about this in some way, please let me in on it! Otherwise, keep on searching.
Until next time,
(God, I pray for whoever reads this that You use these words for their good and for their needs specifically. And that anything I might have said that does not align with Your Word and beliefs that You change it so that it does.)