I’ve been hiding from, God. Not because I’m scared of him, or mad or upset. Just because life is busy and I’ve got other things on my mind. I feel guilty for this. I’m unsure as to why I have such a hard time finding time for him in my daily schedule.
Some of it might be laziness, or maybe I just feel like I don’t know how to reach him. I’m really not sure. It worries me though, being apart from God is hard. Yet, I don’t want to put in the 100% effort to be close to him again. It really makes very little sense and drives me crazy. I’m confused with myself but I know he is not confused with me. This is a perfect example of how he knows us better than we know ourselves.
I often feel like I’m the only one feeling this way, but I’m pretty sure I’m not. I think we just live in a world (especially the Christian world) of insecurity and doubt. I’m afraid for people to know my problems. I’m hesitant to show them all of who I am. I want them to only see the best of me, but honestly, I’m getting tired of holding that up. I’m human, and so is everyone. We make mistakes because a little something called sin came in the form of one bad apple and a weakness led to the fall.
So, why are we, why am I, afraid to be human? Probably because humans can be (are) messy, hard to handle, sometimes unpredictable, scary, hurtful, the list could go on and on. We’re not easy. We can be specifically complex sometimes, or unbearable simple other times. We make mistakes– a lot of them– and often, we don’t even learn from those mistakes and continue to make them over and over again.
Don’t get me wrong, we are beautiful too, there are hundreds of reasons and examples for that (For a later post). But, I see the worst in me more often than I see the best. The worst sides of me are the parts that I have always seen and that have always been apart of me. As for everyone else– except for a very slim amount of people and you know who you are– they normally see the pretty decent side of me.
The side that says “I’m okay, no really everything is good,” the side that says how much I love life and everything I’m doing with it at the moment. The side that says everything is happy and life is good. But, as I said, it’s hard to keep that up.
Now, I don’t think we need to load our problems on everyone we meet… the barista probably doesn’t need to hear about how your significant other forgot your anniversary, or about how annoying your boss is. However, we certainly don’t always have to lie about how we feel. Check this out.
“Hey, (Place your name here), how are you?” (This could be from a fellow classmate, a co-worker, friend, or other)
“I’m good how are you?”
End of conversation and you have no idea how they are, and they don’t know anything more about you either. This is the easy, apathetic way to have a conversation. Sometimes it’s necessary, I do it all the time. But, what good does it do for either of us? Now, try this.
“Hey, (Place your name here), how are you?” (A fellow classmate, a co-worker, friend, or other)
“I could be better, things are a little tough right now, how about you?”
Now, this leaves them knowing things aren’t great which could lead to further conversation, helpful prayer, or leaving them more comfortable to share their struggles with you as well. And you don’t always have to stop right there and have the conversation; you could meet another time, or even just give a simple explanation, or none at all but ask for prayer or kind thoughts from them.
So, how do we get there? I think it has to deal with opening yourself -myself- up (all of you, not just certain parts you want everyone to see) and being vulnerable. Be willing to be real and honest about your feelings. Understand that God knows your heart and he sees you as perfect in his eyes.
We don’t have to be perfect for each other, it’s actually impossible… a helpful reminder for myself. So, I want to stop going after something that I just can’t reach here on Earth. It’s going to take a lot of practice and effort, which I’ve already shared I don’t have a lot of. So it won’t be easy at all. I’ll start small, by simply learning to be okay with my feelings and not letting them make me feel guilty or lesser than anyone else.Then, move on to sharing those feelings in whatever shape or form that may be.
I’m going to struggle, some days will be better than others. But I’ll ask God to help me one step at a time. And I’m praying that in time, I’ll see a difference.
Until next time,
(God, I pray for whoever reads this that You use these words for their good and for their needs specifically. And that anything I might have said that does not align with Your Word and beliefs that You change it so that it does.)